You could have knocked me over with a feather when I learned I had been appointed to organise the Australian climate change wingding known as Cop 31. After everything I have said about Mr Bowen in public, I can only conclude that he oozes Christian kindness and forgiveness and, in a show of uncharacteristic leadership, he sacrificed a few Muslim votes. My brief is simple. Organise a low cost, unforgettable conference with a genuine Aussie flavour.

Our capital city airports are already overcrowded with unreliable flight schedules and our regional centres could benefit from an influx of wealthy foreign visitors. So here’s my plan: the conference will be on a claypan near Mount Isa in the last week of January, 2027. There are no conference facilities in the Isa for the expected 30,000 hypocrites. Travel to Mount Isa by fossil fuel-powered private jet will not be possible as the tarmac parking area is limited. Delegates will travel by bus from proximal airports at Cairns, Townsville, Broken Hill, Roma, Cunnamulla, Longreach, Tennant Creek and Alice Springs.

In the interests of the environment, buses will have no window glass and no air conditioning. Some hard left socialist greens will walk or travel by bicycle which would guarantee the Guterres gut reaches net zero.

The welcome feast will be camel horse’s doovers on bark plates with acacia seed biscuits. There are thousands of acres of spinifex surrounding the venue for vegans to forage. Beef is off limits for ethical environmental climate reasons and, at comfort stops, bus passengers will collect roadkill for their conference meals.

Production of alcoholic beverages releases carbon dioxide so food will be washed down with bore water which hopefully will be only muddy and not full of green slime or magnesium as Epsom salts. The zillions of flies and other insects plus roadkill of the day will be the delegates’ protein source. Organic food fanatics can experience my patented bush diet of sardines rolled in Milo followed by a raw onion and then washed down with warm XXXX.

Delegates will sit on swags out in the open in circles around a stage of planks supported by 44-gallon drums. After a gruelling day devising schemes to rob taxpayers and destroy the planet, satisfied delegates will retire to their swags with ablutions in a nearby sandy dry watercourse

A ringer in moleskins, check shirt, Rossi boots and a Kidman hat will belt the drums with a shovel to announce proceedings and use his stock whip to quieten idle chatterers or sunstroked groaners during unctuous self-serving monologues.

The welcome to country will be given by Senator Susan McDonald. She will welcome people to her country in her capacity as a former station girl from nearby Cloncurry. She will explain that the locals who lived in this area before her had a social structure whereby infanticide, perpetual tribal warfare, revenge killing, kidnapping of women from other tribes, mass rapes of children, genital mutilation of young girls, violence against women, starvation, cannibalism and senicide now almost no longer exist due to the Western legal system, democracy, education, hospitals, schools, food, clothing, medicines, reticulated water, sewerage systems, roads, electricity, employment and use of fossil fuels. Stock whips will guarantee that the three hearty cheers after Senator McDonald’s welcome will be boisterous.

The local federal member, the inimitable Bob Katter, will open the conference but I will not tell delegates that he is likely to speak for 7 hours in an interpreter-challenging address about crocodiles eating people in his electorate. He will give the flesh-ripping details while laughing. Bob will also talk about the necessity for UN recognition of a new state of Far North Queensland, feral animals such as donkeys, camels, goats, brumbies, cats, pigs and wild dogs and the pros and cons of using .44 Henry, 56-56 Spencer or 5 mm Remington Rimfire Magnum cartridges to rid the world of these ferals. Bob’s discussion about ammunition for effective killing should interest the numerous dictators who attend Cop money-grabs and I’ll arrange a private meeting at the gun club between the Taleban and Bob so they can extract some of the finer details.

The cultural event will be a rodeo. Delegates will mingle with locals to learn first-hand about environmentalism, the mythical climate catastrophe, the future of the planet and how net zero really works. The rodeo highlight will be the chase and capture of a greasy piglet by local children, our future nation rebuilders.

The net zero field trip will be mandatory. A bus field trip to Innamincka will show delegates what net zero really looks like in an area where it only rains once a decade. In this part of Australia there is no grid electricity, no reticulated water, no mobile reception, no internet or TV, no supermarkets, no schools, no hospitals, few airstrips for the dying flockter, no sealed roads and no infrastructure. Just perpetual drought, red dust, corrugated roads, gibbers, heat, flies and mateship. Sensitive city delegates will experience flies going up their nose and flying heavily laden out their mouth. EV activists will travel separately for hundreds of kilometres on these lonely roads until their batteries die and, because no one wants to upset their virtuous moral stance, they will be left in net zero land. If a dam or artesian borefield is passed, delegates could enjoy their first wash of the conference. If it rains, delegates will be immobilised in knee-deep mud for weeks to enjoy Third World net zero conditions.

Another field trip will visit what were rainforests in eastern Queensland, now totally destroyed by wind industrial complexes. From the fragmented blades dumped on the ground, delegates will see the balsa wood for turbine blades harvested from Amazon rainforests impregnated with toxic epoxy chemicals banned in most countries in the world. Global food experts will admire transmission lines criss-crossing lands, destroying family farms and reducing the amount of food produced. Delegates will be presented with fossil fuel-produced slightly toxic Chinese-made plastic souvenir koalas, eagles and bats, all of which were once common in the area before the arrival of the planet-saving renewables. Renewables activists will be left on site with picks and shovels to clean up the mess.

The most popular field trip for Asian delegates will be to the coalfields of central Queensland. Delegates will be able to appreciate the sacrifice our miners make to keep their lights on, feed their industries with cheap energy and out-compete Australia with their manufactured goods. An overnight stay in swags underground will give delegates an appreciation of the the hot, humid, dark, wet, dangerous 12-hour shift conditions thatAustralians work under to feed Asia.

At the Great Barrier Reef, delegates will realise that there is no climate crisis, that the Reef is not threatened, that hinterland farming has no effect on the Reef, that over the last few million years the Reef has come and gone dozens of times and that the greatest threat to the Reef is sea level fall during glaciation.

In the final session of the Australian Cop, the few surviving delegates will unanimously agree that there will be no more Cop money-grabbing fraud festivals. Some murderous dictators will remain in Australia with like-minded recent immigrants because coups took place during their absence.

President Trump will land at Mount Isa, give a robust closing address and give away Maga trinkets to any of the few remaining delegates who pledge to leave the Paris Accord.