ABC grope-think

True to its mission to enlighten and entertain, the ABC has set out to inform us about the art and technique of what it calls the threesome.

About time too. There can be few subjects more vital to the proper functioning of a liberal democracy. Ignorance in this matter can cause social breakdown on an apocalyptic scale – or so you would conclude listening to threesome advocates on ABC Triple J radio. To hear them going on you’d think that public unfamiliarity with threesies can lead to climate catastrophe or help spread Chinese bat virus. You can imagine these zealots demanding that the threesome-averse be confined in lockdown with two other spoilsports (all masked, naturally) and not released until they have made themselves proficient in this ‘liberating’ pastime.

Not that the ABC series on ‘threesiology’ is itself beyond criticism. The programs have been broadcast on the corporation’s ‘youth-oriented’ radio station. Isn’t that unfair? Older people, many of whom are ‘friends’ of the ABC, should be denouncing this for ‘ageism’. They should be insisting that Triple J commission a recording of senior citizens engaging in a threesome (though management might be advised to have an ambulance standing by outside the studio).

Threesies apparently are an art form and it is important to master the technique. ‘Having a threesome,’ Triple J helpfully explains, ‘can be a shitty experience if it’s not done right.’ If you really want to know exactly what that means – and it sounds rather unpleasant – you must consult ‘sexologist Lauren French’, Triple J’s fount of intimate knowledge, whose own website offers inter alia ‘guided mindfulness practice to reconnect with yourself and to bring focus to your genitals’. (If you can’t see them clearly, give her a tingle.)

The essential basis of the threesome is the twosome. ‘So you and your partner have flirted with the idea of having a threesome, hey?’ asks the program blurb in a tone of heavy breathing. ‘First you need to have the convo with your partner.’ Convo. Have you ever actually heard anyone use that term? It’s only there as part of a toe-curling attempt to make this prurient drivel seem cool, groovy, etc.

While convo-ing, says Lauren, you should establish why you want a threesome. Is it, she asks, to enjoy ‘watching someone pleasure your partner or your partner watching someone pleasure you?’ Make sure you get this right, she magisterially warns. If you’re not ‘on the same page’ you won’t know ‘what kind of threesome you want’.

Another thing you have to ‘figure out’ in the convo is: ‘Who do you want the third to be?’ Lauren offers an extensive range, whose contact details she presumably has in her bulging address book. ‘Do you want a stranger? Do you want an ex? Do you want an old f–kbuddy? Do you want someone you both have a crush on? Do you want a friend? Do you want a sex worker?’ (her term for prostitute).

Sadly, there are so many prudes and Misery Marys around that not everyone will be ecstatic at being asked to join in. Triple J admits that ‘the hardest part might actually be trying to find that elusive third. But,’ it adds reassuringly, ‘Lauren reckons it’s all about being forward and transparent.’ One bright suggestion she has is to ‘wear a shirt that says “into threesomes”’. ‘It could be a really great look.’ That might be a matter of opinion. Would ABC chairwoman Ita Buttrose think it ‘a great look’ if some underling in her office appeared in a shirt with ‘into threesomes’ on it? Oh, actually, perhaps she would, given her career in the sex-magazine industry. But even if received with squeals of admiration there’s the difficulty that there’s only one of you wearing the shirt. You still have to sign up another two. One feels Lauren could be more helpful on this.

She might start, for example, with the kind of moral instruction you would expect from the ABC on the categories eligible for selection. Absolutely no climate-deniers, and no opponents of the Voice, whether in ‘threesomes’ shirt or not. Try to recruit a refugee, or a selection of ‘trans’ persons (for threesie enthusiasts who enjoy surprises). A member of our ‘first nations’ would be ideal, but if male be careful that he doesn’t find the encounter ‘shitty’ and exact some ‘traditional justice’ for your poor performance. It would be embarrassing to go touting for your next ‘elusive third’ with your front teeth knocked out or your legs shredded with spear scars.

Similarly if your eye lights on a handsome Islamic guerrilla, do begin proceedings with a bit of light-hearted slap-and-tickle in the course of which you can frisk him for any bombs concealed about his person. You wouldn’t want to be blown sky-high just as you were getting round to ‘spicing things up’ and exploring your sexuality, two of the reasons adduced by Lauren for embarking on a tripartite performance.

Lauren concedes that jealousy is an occupational hazard with threesies and burbles on with a lot of guff about resentment and breaking up which anyone with common sense would know already, though it is perhaps justified here by the low incidence of common sense among listeners to Triple J.

All in all then, and disappointingly for the threesie-lover, this ABC twaddle doesn’t tell you anything worth knowing and you begin to suspect that its real purpose is to take a swipe at what remains of traditional morality. One might have known that sex advice from the ABC would be as self-indulgently dreary as the rest of its programs. Put metaphorically, the only kind of sex our overfunded and undertalented apology for a national broadcaster understands is onesies.